Haunted House

Growing up in the 90s, I was an enormous fan of arcades. Or, what arcades were left, I suppose. Most of the arcades in my life were solely located in movie theaters, occasional drug stores and places like Chuck E Cheese. Though, admittedly, once in a while you'd get an entire arcade, like the one at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, near where I grew up and where I did finally live for a few years as an adult. And while I love video games and always have, I especially love one thing in particular about arcades and that was the pinball machines.

Something that, sadly, will never translate to a digital world as well as video games themselves did (considering those are all digital), pinball machines were always the first thing I gravitated towards in the arcade, and for good reason. Just look at them. The flashing lights, the sweet high pitched sounds. They were essentially coin slots for children. Despite not being an actual form of gambling, they were, eventually banned on January 21st, 1942 and smashed to pieces by police squads because they were considered a form of gambling geared towards the youth.

Nowadays, we don't seem to use our worry for the youth as anything other than hiding our blatant homophobia, but for a long time, they were the reason for many things being taken away. Violent video games, rock music, and apparently even pinball machines were all on the chopping block at one time or another because they might somehow invariably warp the poor sweet innocent childrens minds. Now that children are essentially props used by the far right to hide their outdated hateful beliefs, we don't really see much of the "think of the children" propaganda attacking media anymore, unless of course it's media that has to deal with queer topics, because of fucking course. Either way, I for one am glad this is somewhat a thing of the past, and I think it's absolutely ludicrous that it wound up being put to use against pinball machines of all goddamned things. But as with every blog I do in the Feel Bad blogosphere - Face Your Fears where I cover masks, Be Kind, Rewind where I cover VHS box art, Board To Death where I cover board games or Toy Vey where I cover toys - this blog will be dedicated to appreciating the artistry of the subject, and that subject is pinball machines, and that artistry is unparalleled and top notch if I do say so myself.

Take our first subject here, Haunted House.

Okay, to be fair, this isn't really the machine itself as much as it is what appears to be a magazine foldout of the machine, but really aren't the visuals worth it? Plus, you ever try and take a good picture of a pinball machine? Shit's hard, dude. At least this one gives us a fairly solid downward look at the table! Plus look at all those cute little ghosts that come with it. That's a bonus if you ask me. Anyway, this table is...okay. A shame, honestly, considering I really like the concept of horror and haunted houses, but there's just nothing really spectacular about this that stands out. I mean, the artwork on the title above the table is fantastic stuff, font and all, but the board itself really just sort of lacks any real clear focus or anything truly interesting. They've got some ghosts flying around, and they've got the suit of armor but really I think it stems from the fact that the interior of a house is just a hard thing to capture, specifically vertically, in this format.

There's just not enough space to do each room, and you have to do each room because it's a Haunted House, not the Haunted Bathroom or something. If it were just the Haunted Foyer then you'd have no problem. Throw in a possessed coat rack, maybe some ghastly creature peering out from the closet under the stairs and a living carpet ready to eat anyone who stands on it and you're good to go! But when you're expected to create an entire home in such a restrictive visual, then you're kind of shit out of luck honestly. So I don't even think it's fair to say the artist didn't do a good job, I think it's more that they did the best job they could with what they were given.

Look, I want to sing the praises of everything that I feature on all these various blogs, but every now and then one just kind of misses the mark. As I said, the title placard at the top? Fantastic. And I do like the spiderweb centerpiece on the table, and the spiked fence at the bottom with the dead trees is a nice little touch, but it just feels like there wasn't really much planning in regards to the visual layout here, and ultimately the entire thing just feels sort of...messy. That's the best way I can put it. Messy. And I mean that in the nicest way one can when using the word "messy" to describe something artistic. It's not by any means bad, at all, please don't think I'm being mean. It's as good as what they were able to do with it. But the fact of the matter is they weren't able to do much with it to begin with.

I think the flippers are fantastic, for what it's worth. The white and red is a lovely look for the table, and they mesh surprisingly well. The bumpers inside as well. Same color scheme, same surprisingly decent mesh. Really, I think the best part of this table though is the title placard, by and far. Those greens, that font, and the fact that the score lights are the same kind of eerie green as the backyard really is what brings it all together. The fence, the house design, the spooky owl are all nice additions, but it's the combination of colors, specifically the scoring color matching the background color, that makes it absolutely wonderful. I think if anything that title placard is the best part of the table, bar none, and really, the rest of the table is rather ancillary at best. So not every table is going to be a smash hit, just like not every mask or board game or toy or VHS box will be a smash hit, and that's perfectly okay. It's still an artistic achievement worthy of being recognized and admired.

All in all, Haunted House isn't great. but it also is by no means bad either. It falls in line with a lot of pinball tables which often live in the middling mediocre area, but they're still beautifully crafted nonetheless and deserve to be seen. Haunted House definitely isn't the best "spooky" table I've ever seen, but it gets the job done and it has some really neat aspects to it visually and I think that alone is worth its merit, frankly. So good for you, Haunted House. Not only are you a good old standby, but you're also the inaugural post on this blog, and that's gotta count for something!